Abby Lorenz lives on the wild frontier in Big Sur, California, where she guards a retreat center from tourists, wanders aimlessly through the woods, experiments in mind expanding activities and writes. Here she gives some well learned advice on rules for attracting a radical love relationship in your life.
I just broke up with a guy. To be honest, we were never really together, in the sense that we never referred to each other as boyfriend or girlfriend or partner. But this guy, he was my person. We shared a lot of laughs and depth and let each other into the dark corners we normally keep hidden. And I loved him. I love him. In the end, there were just some things between us that were unhealthy. My exposed heart had to protect itself, so I ended things. I am no relationship expert, I can’t even say I’ve ever been in a healthy relationship, but I’m growing and moving in the direction of love. Along the way, I asked myself, what kind of connections do I want to create? I wanted a radical relationship. Something honest and deep and true. I came up with this list. Not just for lovers. For everyone. I tried my best to follow my own advice. It didn’t magically get me the relationship I wanted, and it didn’t magically make things work. It did, however, give me confidence that I was doing my best, striving toward what I truly want. And in the time we shared together I felt more safe, more like my true self than I have in a long time. I’m going to share these rules with you. And whoever comes into my world from now on, they’re going to see them in action.
1. Be vulnerable.
This is where it all starts. In order to let someone in I need to clear away the boundaries I construct to keep people out. The walls I use to hide behind. I need to say the scary things that make me want to hide. I really want people to know me, so I have to share my weaknesses as well as my strengths. And I want to take the risk to expose myself in ways people might not like. The right people will be able to hold the light and the shadow that I create. I want the kind of connections that spring from the roiling waters of deep truth, whatever that looks like in the moment.
2. Own my shit
The only kind of baggage I want someone to carry for me is my heavy luggage at the airport. All the rest, I want to carry myself. I come to the table with years of experience. Some wildly expansive and immensely beautiful. Some, not so nice. Some of my shit makes me scared to be vulnerable. Some of my shit predisposes me to delusions about the other. The more honestly I can own my own shit and share my experiences without putting it on someone else, the less anyone else has to carry for me. It’s not fair to make someone else do that for me, they have their own things. I hope they will let me know about what that looks like for them.
3. Ask the other to own theirs.
Just like I want to own my shit, I want the other person to own theirs. I have carried many things for many people. I have suffered under the strain of someone’s past. I don’t want that. I want soft, honest connections that exist in the now. Not the past. And, although I hope to help whoever I’m connected to feel at ease with whatever shit they are toting around, it is not my job to carry it for them. If too much of it comes my way, I need to be able to ask them to take some of it back. That can be scary. Sometimes I feel like I have to carry it, or the other person will fall away from me. In the end, owning someone else’s shit is a robbery gone bad. Give it back.
4. Be curious.
Often times I like to think I know everything already. I can create a story around almost any action, especially when I don’t like something. Sometimes I can look at a person in the grocery store and make an entire life story in my head for them. Some of what I think is probably accurate, but most is just what I’ve made up in my head. And that doesn’t get me any closer to a person. Curiosity allows me to be with the other in a kinder way. Asking to learn about the other is one way to show love and compassion. People long to be known. Curiosity is one of the most important tools I have in creating space to truly know.
5. Be courageous.
Courage takes a lot of forms. For me, sometimes I am afraid to say what is true for me. That’s when I want to be able to muster my courage. More often, I lack courage in physical intimacy. I have a fear that no one could possibly find me attractive and that my physical touch is unwanted. That fear shuts me down. Makes me lean away from the other because I am afraid to offend them. That tendency has blocked a lot of good things from coming into my world. And, for what reason? Because I was afraid to push through my fear and lean in. I have a mantra now. I use it a lot when I am sitting on couches with boys. Lean in. I want to be able to lean in, to open the door to touch and closeness. And I need to learn to trust the other to define their own boundaries, if they have them at all.
6. Choose to love without judgment.
Loving without judgment sounds hard. In practice, I have found this to be one of the easiest for me. Sometimes maybe too easy. As I have wandered about this earth I have found compassion and love for myself. According to some people, I’m not perfect. But I know my heart, it wants to love and be loved. It wants to connect with other people and make the world a better place. I believe deep down all of us are doing the best we can, that we are all dealing with our own shit and that at the core we all want the same things. Judgment says my way is better than your way. You are wrong and I am right. When I look at the other with love and compassion, I see the innocence. I see the core. Judgment causes separation, and that’s exactly what I’m trying to avoid.
7. Show my scars.
I have physical scars, one that looks like a bullet wound (it’s not), stretch marks and such. I have emotional scars from a stifled childhood and from putting myself in the path of a few too many train wrecks. They are embarrassing sometimes. But, in order for someone to see me, I have to be willing to show them my scars. And I want to see theirs too. I want to know what battles they have walked through. I want to know my whole being is known and loved. I want to honor my capacity to survive and thrive and heal. That’s what a scar is. That is beautiful.
8. Experiment.
This relationship that just ended, I did a lot of experiments. Maybe not enough, but I tried to stretch my capacity for exploration. I took risks, I tried new ways. From the beginning I felt this relationship connected to my old patterns. Patterns that have not served me well. Patterns that resulted in pain and frustration for me and for the ones I have loved. I saw that coming in, and in the end those patterns repeated for me. But all the while instead of going into my habitual ways of being and responding I tried my best to think of a different avenue to take. Trusting that my instincts guided by love would lead me to a better way of doing things. I was trying to get to a different ending. A happily ever after, or a satisfying conclusion. Now that I’m at the end with this person I’m doing one more experiment. In the past I have ended things with sharp edges and insurmountable walls. I drew a pretty tight line when I abruptly ended our connection. But a few days later I asked him if he was willing to have a soft separation. A kindness that might allow us to be at the same party and genuinely smile at each other from across the room. I don’t know yet if he’s willing to participate in this experiment. I hope he will, but with or without his participation I plan on trying something new. I plan on smiling and waving the next time I see him. Believe me, ask the men who have met my vacant glare after our shattered intimacy. I am a hard nut to crack. I’m experimenting with having my heart remain cracked open.
9. Expose.
I have always had a tendency to hide. I don’t know why, but I do. They say sunshine is the best disinfectant and that is true in relationships too. I am doing my best to expose myself. I am practicing this with a lot of different people. If someone asks me how I am and I’m shitty, I say that. I don’t want to put a veneer over my experience. Veneer is just a thin coat of dishonesty. One of the things I try most is to expose my motivations and needs. I have learned that most people are not psychics. They do not know what is going on in my head. If I really want or need something, I let the other know. I don’t demand, I reveal my needs. I don’t expect everyone or any one person to fulfill my needs all the time. I have learned so much from exposing my needs and watching how others respond. Some people ignore them. That’s okay. Some people respond above my wildest imaginations. Some people show up when they can. That’s okay too. But, in intimate relationships where I am practicing my deepest vulnerabilities I know I need someone who can respond to my exposure in a way that honors my needs, doesn’t take advantage of my exposed weaknesses and flows from genuine care, not manipulation. And when that doesn’t happen, that’s the exact kind of information I need to know to either protect myself, or shift who I look to to have my needs met. On the other end, I also try to expose my motivations. The other day I interjected myself into some friends’ relationship. I could see one of them hurting the other by being elusive and vague. I called him out, and I told him I did it because 1) I care for both of them and wanted them to connect, as I could see they wanted to connect and 2) because I was reminded of my own frustration with men who had been wishy washy, and my recent breakup had heightened my sensitivities. I want people to know when I can’t possibly be objective. That helps them understand where I’m coming from and what I’m really seeking to accomplish. And it forces me to be honest and keeps my self-serving motivations in check.
10. Hold the other.
Doing all this radical relationship stuff can be scary and leave me feeling vulnerable. But, vulnerability is where this all started. I know that it is my responsibility to choose to create these radical relationships with people who are safe for me. Sometimes I really need the other to hold my vulnerability with compassion and care. So, that’s what I intend to give. I want to hold the other with the same level of care and awareness that I want for myself. I can’t expect my person to open up to me if I can’t hold that space in a safe way. This looks different for different people so I try to do this in a way that works best for the person I am relating to. Some people need to hear reassuring words in order to open up. Some people just need a hug. One man I know absolutely shuts down under physical comforts. I don’t hug him. I stay near and listen without touching. I know I’m holding space because he slowly peels away his defenses and reveals things about himself. And then he smiles, and occasionally reaches out to me for the hug when he can handle it. I want to be a safe place for people to land.
11. Be honest.
When I say be honest, I mean first with myself and also with the other. I am a horrible liar. My face always betrays me so radical honesty is not so hard for me. It’s almost a requirement. But what I am really great at is lying to myself. That’s one of the reasons this past relationship ended. I tried my best to be honest with myself and with him, about my needs and expectations and desires. I did a pretty good job most of the time. Problem was, I was lying to myself the whole time. I told myself I was fine having seventy five percent of what I wanted. I wanted all of him, but he was clear about what he could give me. He could give me love and friendship and support and intimacy and vulnerability. But he couldn’t give me his whole self, and he couldn’t give me commitment. The lie I told myself, that I could be satisfied with less than what I really desire. I am a crumb catcher. I look at whatever crumbs are available and call them a meal. Crumbs are not a meal, and I am never satisfied with less than what I desire. I need to stop telling myself that lie. It not only hurts me, it taints the beauty of what is present to me, and it hurts the other person when I really care about them.
12. Stay in contact.
When I get scared I hide. When I get really scared I run away. That’s what I just did. I got scared and ran away. But I’m okay with it, because it was time to run. My connection with my sweetest friend was starting to hurt me and him, and there was no honest way for us to prevent that from happening. That’s when it’s time to go. But before that I thought about running all the time. Our connection was challenging me in a lot of ways. Certainly in the ways I have felt challenged before, which was scary, because I have no record of successfully surmounting those challenges. He also challenged my capacity to be vulnerable and open. My capacity to stay present to my whole self and honestly share that with him. That’s what I want, and for most of the time that’s what was happening. But it scared the crap out of me and the littlest bump in the road made me want to turn tail and run. Sometimes I let him know and he would talk me down. Sometimes I talked myself down. I was committed to staying in contact through the fear, because contact is what I truly crave.
13. Express gratitude.
Too many times it is easy to grumble and complain when people aren’t giving us what we want. That is no one’s job but my own. It is not productive for me to grumble. I want to see what a person truly gives me freely and then decide if that is enough for me in that moment. What I was getting from my friend felt like enough for a long time, and then it wasn’t. Along the way I focused on gratitude. He was so giving and attentive and authentic and interesting in a way that kept my attention rapt. When I was facing tough times he showed up asking to help. When I was happy he was happy for me. All of those things were lovely and made my heart feel safe and loved. I probably told him of my appreciation more than I have with any other person. I think that helped him feel connected to me, let him know his impact and importance and created good will. When something less pleasant happened that I had to address, it was softer, because of the air of gratitude that flowed between us. Gratitude is a practice, and it pays dividends by creating more moments where satisfaction and appreciation are deeply felt and acknowledged. That leaves less moments to fill with doubt and deprivation.
14. Reflect.
I’m talking like a mirror here. Not reflect on the past. I’m trying to stay in the present. I want to shine like a mirror and I want to see myself through the mirror of the other’s eyes. I believe we cannot fully know ourselves except by reflection from others. Not to say what people feed back to me represents the sum total of what I believe myself to be. No. But I have learned so much, grown so fast, because of other people reflecting me back to myself. I can see parts of myself that I normally can’t. I can see myself in new and different and often times more loving and compassionate ways. I want to be that for the people who are in my life. And I want to be a clear, strong, straight mirror. Untarnished by my own objectives. Clear. I don’t want to be a fun house mirror, reflecting back a distortion that is scary because it is warped by my own flaws. There is no way to do this perfectly, that I know of, but that is my goal.
15. Push edges.
You know when your stomach starts hurting because you’re scared to be vulnerable. That’s when I try to push my edges. I generally have come to make friends with fear. True fear is my friend. Fear helps us know when we need to take action to protect ourselves. When to fight or fly. Unfortunately, fear comes up even when it is not serving that natural function. That kind of fear can stop me from taking reasonable risks towards my own highest good. I try very hard to distinguish the first from the second. I want to honor my true fears and listen to my instinct to protect myself. When the fear is just vestigial and limiting me though, I really want to defy it. I have come to witness my own limiting fears as invitations to enter the next level. When I conquer a fear I feel heroic. There is nothing like being your own hero. And if I am pushing my edges in relation to the other, that leads me to closer contact and deeper truth and vulnerability. That’s what I truly want.
16. Listen deeply.
I have learned that people will tell you the truth about themselves if you are able to listen. That is one thing I failed at in this relationship. Certainly, I did a lot of deep listening, and I felt so privileged to be let into his world. But, when it mattered most I failed to listen. This is one of the things I do repeatedly, and it doesn’t serve me or the people I love. I never listen when people tell me things about themselves I don’t want to be true. I ignore that information to everyone’s detriment. I, being an American woman, actually married a man who told me on our first date, “I will never marry an American woman.” Now, he was wrong, because we did eventually marry, but what he was telling me was true. He wanted a partner who shared his culture and language, and in the end we divorced because that need of his was stronger than our love for each other, which was deep. This most recent guy told me things up front that should have given me pause, but I ignored him because I didn’t want to believe him. This is something I plan on doing better in the future.
17. Respond.
Respond as opposed to react. Many times I feel a reaction coming up when someone says something I don’t like. Instead of reacting out of emotion, which is often rooted somewhere in the past, I try to feel what is really going on and respond with compassion for myself and the other. This isn’t always easy, we as creatures need some reactive mechanisms to protect ourselves. But with people I have built trust I really try to stay in response mode. Responses are more reasoned, less fiery, more loving.
Respond instead of disappearing. I am the kind of person who disappears and hides sometimes. I fail to show up when things get too hard for me. I tried very hard to stay present this time around. I want to be present for myself and the other. I want to be able to participate in the present moment, and sticking around to respond to the other is vital for keeping contact.
Finally, responding to the other is one way to show deep caring and love. Have you ever seen a child’s face light up when their parent picks them up from pre-school. We are all looking to be loved, cared for and adored. Responding with attention makes everyone feel important. I want the person I am with to feel important, generally, and to me specifically.
18. Show affection.
This is an area I have struggled in the past, but feel spacious about in the present. Like I said, I grew up and still hold an annoying belief that my affection is unwanted. I took a massage training course, I became a hugger, I reach in to touch people, male, female, old, young. I practice on everyone. Sometimes, especially when I have romantic feelings, I can sense myself retracting from this practice from fear. Recently I have started checking in about this with the other person. Curiosity has begun to overwhelm my fear. Each time I ask I have been met with an enthusiastic response, telling me my affection is not only wanted, but appreciated and needed. I’m showing more affection these days and everyone is happy about it.
19. Receive affection.
The only thing worse than failing to show affection is to fail to receive it. When someone reaches towards me, I want to let that in. Now, there is always a time and place to say no, to create boundaries, and that is everyone’s right in every moment. But for me, I want to receive what people want to give me most of the time. I grew up watching my mother reject physical affection from my father and while I knew I didn’t like watching that, it became a model for me. Now, it is my goal to remain open. I have built this skill over the years. I started small, by accepting small kindnesses. When someone asked if they could bring me a glass of water, I said yes, even if I wasn’t thirsty. We all want to be loved, but we also all want to love. I want to allow the people in my life to feel like we are giving to each other. Let the affection flow in all directions.
20. Give the other priority.
In order to create safety for radical vulnerability it is important to let the other person know that they are a priority. Sometimes I might not want to do certain things, but if it is important to my person, I want to be flexible enough to allow their needs to take precedence. Not all the time. This is a slippery slope. I personally err toward losing myself in the other, so it can be even more unhealthy if I lean too far into this one. For me, I practice giving the other priority while searching for the awareness of what I truly want and need. If I’m not sacrificing my own needs too much or too often, I feel at ease doing this. When I go too far I need to communicate my boundaries as lovingly as possible. But I always want the other to feel like a priority in my life.
21. Serve the other.
This is something I am going to terribly miss about the man I just parted from. He and I were so good to each other. Early on in our knowing of each other I had a horrible accident. I needed physical and emotional support. He called me, helped me run errands, made sure I was taking care of myself. His presence and participation in my world helped me immeasurably and in some ways I think he saved my life during that dark, hectic time. I also looked for ways to serve him. I helped him move, I cooked him dinners, I tried to make things easy for him when I could. Both of us trusted the other to show up in a way that was going to make our lives better. That made me happy both when I was giving and receiving and I think he felt the same way too.
22. Adore the other.
Sometimes people just need a soft place to land and feel safe. When I am in a deep connection, I spend a lot of time adoring the other. I tell them how cute they are. I tell them all the things I love about them. I say sweet things. These aren’t just sweet nothings. I use the truth of my heart. There is so much to love and adore about just about everyone. Many times we think it is our job to fix the other or “help” them by alerting them to whatever flaws we think are holding them back. I have a lot of flaws. He had a lot of flaws. And I didn’t ignore or hide from them. But on a daily basis my focus was on his heart and all the beautiful things he brought into the world, and I let him know I saw those things about him.
That is the end of my list. Twenty two easy steps. It’s a lot, I know. But I have found so much joy and security in practicing this way. I never told him I was doing it because I am trying to own the idea that I am in charge of my happiness. I want to give into the world the things I want to receive, and so I took this practice on without revealing my rules to him. In the future, I will let my partner know these things are important to me and invite him in to practice whatever of these things he might find valuable for himself. And I might add one more rule that flowed from my most recent connection.
Oh, and…
23. Leave when it is time to go.
In my life, the most pain I have experienced and caused has been a result of me staying around too long in an unhealthy situation. When I fall out of practice with these rules and get into fear I hurt the other by making demands I know they can never fill. I bring dissatisfaction and frustration into the field that feels bad to me and usually ends up making the person I love feel responsible for my feelings and guilty. I don’t want that anymore. I want to learn when to say when. To part in love. To be able to take the vulnerable step of revealing my real truth. That what we have is not serving me and I need to go. Leaving without blame, making room for communication that can lead to understanding and closure. I want deeply, radically intimate relationships. I want beauty and harmony between me and the people I love, and I want the parting to be a sweet sorrow.
This post was written by Abby Lorenz
